First I’d like to thank my family, but I’m a Cith Lord and I don’t believe in family so how can I thank my wife when I can’t say wife because saying that means I hate homosexuals, just ask Darth McGuinty in Ontario. I will however spend my address talking about the lies the rebel alliance have spread about my hidden agenda.
Now as you know My predecessor the incorruptible Darth Chretien got a lot of votes by droning on about scary Rebel Alliance types and hidden agendas. Well now it’s been almost 3 years since Jedi Harper was made PM and it’s silly to base an election campaign on what he will do if he’s made PM when he has actually been PM for well years. So we will talk about our own hidden agenda, the rebel alliance have been painting lies and we need to set the record straight!
Free Speech
First when it comes to free speech people say nothing is brewing or has been done to curtail free speech of late. To them I say with the massive results we’ve obtained what more is there to do? I mean not only is the Impirium kowtowed into only saying things that socialists like to hear because everything we of the Cith disagree with is hate speech. But now we fine the crap out of people for merely quoting what others have said, so we let Ezra off scott free some say, reality is Ezra's $100,000 fine is more than you get in the way of penalties for stealing 50 cars.
Hugh Owens quotes the bible 20k
Bill Whatcott quotes homosexuals who publish a magazine soliciting for sex with,… well I better not say, 17k
Mark Steyn quotes an Tatoonie Imam, well, who knows, how much macleans will have to pay.
If the alliance were smart were smart they would fight for the right to quote things the protected groups the Cith like say.
So until we have financing to open more Gulags it is doubtful that much more can be accomplished on these fronts. And don’t worry about Imperail rights tribunals they will never even look at issues brought forth by white male Christian heterosexual humanoids. So saying you don't like losing a job because of affirmative action is still racism. Heh!
Diversity
Most importantly some have stated that the Imperium has moved away from our prime directive of putting the empires Humanoid majority in the minority within 50 years. Sure we had problems bringing in the 1% of the pop per year. Yet we remain drawn to our goal. To prove that we are endophobic bigots and like the newcomers more than domestic empire life forms, we support racist hiring so we continue our support for affirmative action, hiring quotas and don’t forget we did get David Marshall to stop all hiring of white males at Imperial public works, Don’t fret Darth Dion’ll still be keeping his job so you will not have to worry about me on the unemployment lines. Unlike all those pesky white males begging for money on street corners. All good members of the Empire know that when humanoids are in the minority the empire will be greater than it has ever been in the past. It will be as great as Yugoslavia or Palestine well pick any other multi-ethnic paradise from around the galaxy. The Cith legacy will be great maybe even as great as Timor.
Military
Lets not forget our military and out commitments towards our peace keepers. We remain committed to our goal of emaciating the military. Even though there are now tanks orbiting the planet of Afghanistan this was not our idea! We wanted to use to use the military for social engineering. We want the Imperial military to be about the combat bra or hyping woman in combat roles but not actually send anyone into combat. Look what happened to the death star! Get us back in power and you will see endless rows of non military social engineering boilerplate. That will mold our soldiers into peace keepers because lets face it we imperial swine have no intestinal fortitude and wanted no tanks eh. Why would the military need them? They can only be used for fighting and thats the last thing we want the military used for thats why we want Strykers.
We also remain totally committed to allowing homosexuals to to shower with hetero normatives.
War on the Force
Some with feint hearts have even spoke to me in private that we have given up in the war against the light side of the force. This is just part of the lies spread by evangelical Christians whom our allies in the left wing MSM’s hate. We have a plan that only needs a majority to keep move forward. We have been pushing on this since the good old days of the Impirial Charter where we wrote that bit about the country recognizing the supremacy of force. Not the dark side in this empire where Easter and Christmas are interplanetary Holidays, but just “force” thrown in there so any person leading say the moonies cult can say the Charter, was written about them. This is a great vehicle for all of us in the impirium who continually point out “It does not say the light or dark side of the force." However if you want proof of our continuing war on the Jedi none of our Cith MP’s ever send out a Christmas card they all send ones out that might be joy cards, festive cards, holiday cards and they are only sent out at Christmas time but believe you me, if any one dares to send out a Christmas card and I find out, they will be shipped to Alberta quicker than you can spell Canada Spacefreighter Lines.
War on Drugs
We Cith remain fully committed to any one using any drug whenever they want, I mean it should go against a pilots desires to be told they can't toke up before flying a 747 into Toronto International Starport and trying to land it on the 407. Did we legalize small amounts we bloody well did. I also plan to turn stoned away into a clean needle exchange site. Which reminds me Iggy when we go to the AAA meeting later today make sure we have those clean bottles of alcohol ok?
Taxes
Now some have said we might want to reduce our grip on the financial testicles of the planets well let me say that first thing I want to do is say this is a lie, immediately on assuming office as is our right we will rescind the cuts to GST and every other cut to get taxes back up over the 50% mark, because it’s far more important you work for us, than your pathetic family. We are worried taxes were getting so low that Darth Martin might think about hiring some Canadians again, plus he could move CSL back to planet Canada and we do not want that. We want to squeeze and squeeze until the Baron Harkonen sends in Fayed to restore order.
Property Rights
I’m not sure if this nefarious innuendo came from the Fascist Nazi’s of the rebel Alliance, unlike alliance scum we can say that of anyone we mildly dislike. Or if this came from a much worse source, Mr Ignatieff the self proclaimed "Great Russian" who is worse than the damnable Ukrainians. We still support the age old tradition of seizing peoples property for no better reason than Darth Stalin could, so we want to. We don’t want there to be any thing tying us down like due process so if we want riding mountain park we can just take it, like we did. Or we can take the lands that now make up Hecla interplanetry Park, Turtle Mountain Park, Spruce Woods or Birds Hill like um we did.
Feminists
I was in the womans washroom the and overheard some core voters suggesting that we don’t support womens rights. Well we do and since for over 100 years the leader of the Cith party has been a man I’m stepping down now and we’ll stick in any female we can find, even if the party members do not like them for the next 100 years.
Hey wait, just kidding, ha ha that damm Iggy screwing with the teleprompter.
Plus I promise to kill 150 women or more each and every day for womens rights, because I support abortion! Through abortion we in the empire have closed down orphanages and who wants all those bloody orphans around far better to take a light saber to them. We would abort Penny in "the Rescuers" or Jake in the Blues Brothers such is our commitment towards the right of any mother to kill her child.
Also our colluding allies in the MSM’s will make sure that no one ever mentions the dearth of support we get from white males. Only the number of female voters is important.
Crime
Look some of you have said we are starting to go hard on crime. This like all the other lies is simply not true. In the eyes of criminals we on the dark side are the number one party to vote for. And look how high Crime is, there is no danger of it hitting pre Trudeaupian numbers as long as we concentrating on handling criminals with kid gloves and if crime rates are triple what they were when Diefenbaker left office, it’s because of the great job we’ve done. The really great thing about this graph is that most crimes now go unreported, because people know theres no use reporting them. So we can't really tell how high the line should be on the right. So don't let anyone tell you that we've gone hard on criminals they are part of our core vote.
Still we have our principles which I will reiterate once again. We will go hard on legal gun owners and continue to ignore murderers and we will always make sure that the rights of the criminals far outweigh those of the victims who probably deserved it anyway for being on the light side of the force.
Family Values
We remain committed to breaking up Canadian families if elected we promise to thrust children into the arms of strangers for their child hoods and we will take the 100 a month Harper is giving to parents and spend it on something far more noble. Creating more jobs for union bums, heh, heh, heh, I mean more early learning providers. Because as we tell everyone in Canada that being a real parent sucks, so you know only the best and brightest will be early learning providers and Einstein would never have come up with the theory of relativity if it had not been for his daycare sticking him in front of the TV all day with a bag of cheesie poofs.
Darth vader will later give a talk on how his family meant so much to him he tried to kill them all.
Interplanetary Warming
I’d also like to reiterate that even though I was supposed to do something while minister of the environment that I am committed to ignoring that China is now the Interplanetary leader in spewing CO2. Plus I will never give George Bush credit even though he did a much better job than Canada in cutting CO2 because He didn’t sign Kyoto, but we in planet Canada did. Signing a meaningless paper is more important than actually doing anything isn’t it? I will also refuse to look at evidence easily available at government sources. I mean I couldn’t blame Katrina on Global warming if the public knew there were twice as many planetary hurricanes in the 50’s as the 90’s. However If elected we will still exempt Ontario re CO2 and put all the blame on Alberta because we hate them. It’s obvious from a common sense level that global warming is important to Canada because no one lives in any planet south of us.
Thank you, good night, and remember a Cith government is a big government!
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